


I am half agony, half hope

by All_for_one



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort Reading, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Getting to Know Each Other, I Ship It, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Kara Danvers & Maggie Sawyer Friendship, Oliver Queen Has Feelings, Their Love Is So
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 20:48:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15009149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/All_for_one/pseuds/All_for_one
Summary: It's not until he stops coming all of a sudden, when Kara starts to miss Oliver.Before this. Before everything, Oliver was her source of relief. Bad day at job? General feeling of uselessness? Go home. Go to him. Hook up. Leave. Game over.But now, she can sense the gap he seems to have left in her life.She feels him everywhere but he's nowhere.





	I am half agony, half hope

 

_He's more myself than I am._

_Whatever out souls are made of,_

_His and mine are the same_

_(Emily Bronte)_

 

* * *

It's not until he stops coming all of a sudden, when Kara starts to miss Oliver.

Before this. Before everything, Oliver was her source of relief. Bad day at job? General feeling of uselessness? Go home. Go to him. Hook up. Leave in the morning. Game over. 

He would do the same with her. Often she'd come home to find him waiting for her. None of them ever asked why. He didn't say a word when she woke up in the middle of the night crying. He just held her. But never asked why. She didn't mention the scars she saw on his back, old and new. She just kissed them. Didn't ask how. 

It's not right, she knows. It's not something Kara Danvers would do. But it brings her a sense of calmness and that's okay with her. Even if that's the calm before a storm. 

This game they played went on and on. The burden they carried got heavier and heavier. 

 

Until one day, when she went back to her apartment, wondering whether it was a good day to forget it all and leave everything. Go someplace else. Begin again. Be normal.

She activated the device Cisco made, that allowed her to travel between worlds, only to find Oliver's apartment empty. 

She visited it many times after that. Each time, the place seemed to get lonelier as if sensing the emptiness she felt had settled on top of her heart. 

 

Weeks pass by. Kara survives somehow. But she has trouble focusing on anything. She remembers him. When Alex is telling her about a new mission, she wonders if she should ask Oliver's team. They would know but she doesn't want to risk that. She could go look for him in Star City herself. But what's to say he wants to see her? 

It's worst when she's alone. That time all her mind can think is that he's lying dead somewhere. His work finally was too much. Maybe he killed himself, her mind says treacherously. He definitely wanted to. 

She  _wants_ to move on. But despite all of it, she misses him. She misses everything. 

It's the little things at first. She feels a brush against her forehed while drinking coffee and tries to move her hair away, only to find no hair at all. She feels two arms enveloping her, all of a sudden when she's at work and she turns back to see no one. 

She feels and feels and feels. Until it gets unbearable. She feels him kiss her, tasting of whatever wine he drunk last. She feels him pressing against her in the shower. She feels him around her while she sleeps on her side. 

She feels him everywhere but he's nowhere. 

 

 

"You look sadder and sadder" Alex observes with a frown. "Did something happen?" 

"No. Nothing." Kara says, not looking up. "I'm just working too much, I think. Both kinds. Must be tiredness." 

"Do yourself a favour. Go home for today. Roam the city a little bit. Relax." Alex says with a small smile she reserves for her. Kara is tempted to tell her. To ask Alex for advice. But she doesn't even know what the problem is.

So she accepts Alex's offer with a hug and tries not to fall apart on her way home. 

She could go anywhere today but she finds herself at the bar which is the haunt of one Maggie Sawyer. 

"Kara." Maggie says with a smile and a drink in her hand." Long time no see." 

"Hey Maggie. How are you?" 

"Same old." 

They talk for sometime about nothing in general. Kara thinks she's gotten away with it when Maggie asks," So what happened?" 

"Nothing." She shrugs.

"Come on." 

Maybe it's Maggie's understanding attitude. Maybe it's the fact that she's doesn't push her. Or maybe Kara just wants someone to listen without judging her. 

"It's about a guy." 

"Do I need to arrest someone?" 

"No." Kara says with a small laugh. "He didn't break my heart or anything." 

It's true, he didn't. Whatever they did, there was no love involved in it. 

"What did he do then?" She asks.

"Nothing. It's not even his fault. He's just not here anymore. That's it." 

When she puts it like that, Kara wonders what she feels so devastated about. 

"Do you miss him?" Maggie asks, her eyes never leaving Kara.

"Yes."

"How much?" 

There's a lie, ready on the tip of her tongue. _Oh only a little. I'm just bored without him. I'll get over it._

"More than I've missed anything in my entire life. More than I miss my home. My people. Anything." 

Maggie expression doesn't shift at all but when she opens her mouth to speak, Kara interrupts her. 

"No" she shakes her head. "Don't say that. Don't say I loved him. Don't say I had any feelings for him. That's not true.

"Why not?" 

"Because" Kara presses on, "Because I know what love is. I know how it feels to love someone. I  _loved_ Mon-El. I don't love him. I miss him but I never loved him." 

"Okay." Maggie agrees after some time.

"Okay?" 

"Yeah." 

They don't talk about it anymore and Kara is thankful. By the time she's ready to leave the bar, she feels a little lighter. Maggie and Kara step out together. 

"Thank you." Kara says and means it. 

"Thanks for trusting me." Maggie replies. 

They're about to part when Maggie says," Love can be different things." 

"What?" Kara asks.

"It's okay" Maggie hesitates."To let yourself fall in love. Even if you think it won't work out. Because, you don't get to choose who you love."  

Kara stares at her hard for a moment before looking down and nodding in agreement. 

 

 

 

Things get better and worse at the same time. She tries harder at work. Both kinds. But, she feels that she's putting on a show for everyone.

She never stops missing Oliver. 

 

It's been a relatively good day at work and Kara enters her apartment with a bit of hope. 

And there he is. Just standing there.

Almost as if he never left. As if it's another one their days. 

But he  _did_ leave and the longer Kara looks at him, the more she sees the changes.

He looks absolutely destroyed. 

"I'm sorry." Oliver says and maybe she imagines it but he sounds like he really does mean it.

"Where were you?" 

"I was...somewhere. I couldn't have come, even if I wanted to." 

 All these weeks, she thought that when (if) he came back, they would go back to playing their game. But now, now that she's spent  _so much time_ making herself crazy wondering what happened to him, she can no longer tell herself that it's a game. She can't believe those lies anymore.

So she moves forward and hugs him, trying to tell him that she is glad without actually saying anything. It's a while before she feels his arms around her, his head resting on her shoulder and she strokes his neck. 

 

 

They break apart and he kisses her. He kisses her and kisses her and she never ever wants him to stop. He leaves a trail of kisses down her neck, each one a promise. 

They take their time, Kara thinks, because for the first time, they're doing this for themselves and for each other. They're not doing it to forget but to remember every single moment that they will never let go. 

She kisses all the new scars he's gotten. Kisses them until she feels him catch his breath and she's satisfied.Because every time he looks at them now, he going to remember how she kissed them rather than how he got them. 

 

Later that night, they're both lying awake when Kara looks up at Oliver. With his head turned in profile, looking up at the ceiling, Kara thinks he's beautiful. 

"I was in jail." He says, not meeting her eyes.

"Okay." 

"I bargained for my team, you know? They shouldn't suffer for my mistakes. But I couldn't save myself. I had it coming though. I had it coming a long time." 

"You're out now?" 

"I guess. Technically, I should still be there. But yeah, I'm out now." 

She turns to him so that he looks at her and says," I'm glad." 

"I missed you. I missed you so much I wanted to break out just to see you and tell you the truth." He says and suddenly her heart isn't heavy anymore. 

"I missed you too. I thought I wouldn't but I did and I didn't feel like doing anything anymore." 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's not your fault." 

A beat passes by and then he asks," How did it feel? Sleeping with a convict?" 

"Surprisingly mediocre." She says with mock disapproval. "I expected more excitement, to be honest." 

He bursts out laughing as he says," Sorry to ruin your expectations about a passionate criminal encounter." 

"I'll survive." 

It's a start. It's   _their_ start. 

 

The next morning, she feels him around her again; when she's barely woken up. She feels his hand around her frame and his head on top of hers. 

Only, this time it's not just a feeling.

This time he's real. 

 

* * *

_As long as we're together, does it matter where we go?_

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! I just cannot get over these two.  
> The title is from Persuasion by Jane Austen. The first quote is by Emily Bronte and the last is a song lyric by Gabrielle Aplin. The song is 'Home' and it is beautiful.  
> Hope you liked the story.  
> Please give me all the feedback you can. It's what keeps me going.  
> Have a great day.  
> :)


End file.
